I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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