3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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