Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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