I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
