We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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