Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
