just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
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I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
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This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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