Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
try to milk me bitch
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