No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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