dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
