You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
