he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
