i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
