she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
