I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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