YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
