And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
