On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
