do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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