dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
