Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
