I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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