I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
