Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
