I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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