Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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