I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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