So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
