My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
