I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
