oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
