How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Small penises have feelings too.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
