I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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