Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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