I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
