i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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