i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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