He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
