Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
