There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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