need another drink. this is the easiest way
and you said cock pushups were impossible
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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