my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
