I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Why are your pants in the freezer?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
