you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
