3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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