The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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