getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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