woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
