Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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