if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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