Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
this is an emotional support booty call
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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