i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
