I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
