i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
