theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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