my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
