omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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