We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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