According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
