My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
